Howdy and Salutations, This week I offer some handy-dandy travel tips for those of you traveling to see the Grateful Dead. As we all know the types of trouble that the typical deadhead brings upon him or herself is pretty common from state to state. How do you avoid getting pulled over? What can I do to avoid a search and seizure? and finally what can I do to avoid unnecessary hassles just because you are a deadhead.
Rule #1
Dress like a typical mainstream American. This includes a
wide range of styles from casual to formal wear. For the best ideas
just watch a lot of prime-time television. Programs and commercial will
offer a wide selection of dress-wear! One of the best strategies is to
allow yourself the luxury of wearing a tye-dye or Baha, but carefully
hang a nice business suit in the back seat. Keep in mind that clothes
can be a form of personal expression and we know how that's frowned on
in this country! Keep this golden rule in mind when you consider what
you're going to wear on the way to your next dead show: Conformity is
the best way to acceptability!
Rule #2
Make sure that you don't have any Grateful Dead stickers
in your windows. As we all know, personal expression in America is no
longer the way in which we express our individuality! We express
ourselves as individuals by the type and color of the car we drive! So
stop trying to draw attention to your car with beautiful designs and
colors, be safe and try to look like everyone else. Another
handy-dandy-diddly tip is to paste a happy Garfield in your window or
the unique and exotic "Baby On Board." College stickers offer the best
protection for low income vehicles to travel in the U.S. The truest way
to be safe in traveling to a dead show is by buying a brand new car.
This not only shows that you are a productive member of society, but it
shows that you are on a higher income bracket! Remember the more
expensive and luxurious your car the less hassle you'll get from law
enforcement!
Rule #3
Be sure not to carry any illegal drugs with you when you
travel, unless you fullfill the advice given in Rules 1 and 2. This is
especially true if your vehicle gives any appearances of being a
deadhead type vehicle, or even more notably if your vehicle gives the
appearance of being poor and/or cheap. Sure we should have the right to
chose what we recreate with, but that choice has already been made for
us so it's time to play ball! Just stick with what you can use:
Tobacco, caffeine, and Schlitz (beer). These substances have been
condoned in our society as being really fun and potentially life
threatening, but as Americans we can all appreciate living on the edge!
Rule #4
Adopt a more main-stream form of hygiene. Once again the
old stand-by will aid you in your quest to become "normal," Television!
Depending on you age watch shows and commercials that are in your
demographic category. For example you wacky teens and young adults can
tune into "Melrose Place," "Models Inc.," and of course "Beverly Hills
90120." Not only will you learn how to assimilate popular role models,
but enjoy countless hours of quality entertainment. General rule of
thumb for men: short hair, off the ear, clean shaved, hair combed to
the side. For women, no visible tattoo's or visible body piercing,
except for ears.
Rule #5
Stop listening to the Grateful Dead! Hell, it was
probably them that got you all messed up in the first place! Try
something a bit more top-forty, or if you're musically inclined try to
find a new band that doesn't have much talent. Remember Falco? Flock of
Seaguls? Cory Hart? The Gap Band? K.C. and the Sunshine Band? Donny and
Marie? Bands that you don't have to worry about following around
because their life span as a musical group can be measured in months.
Rule #6
If the first 5 rules are too much for you, then don't
worry! Just get a lobotomy and you're troubles will be over! Removal of
a small part of your brain will allow you to assimilate and live up to
the advice given to you so that you can be a happy and well accepted
American! Remember, you only use approximately 10% of your brain, that
means you have 90% you can just toss away! You can feel the atrophy
just setting in!
...and finally happy deadheads...I mean well-adjusted-non-threatening-social-Grateful Dead-music-admirers... keep in mind this handy-dandy piece of advice if you ever find yourself in a rut:
Don't think too much, you just might get it! ...and we wouldn't want that to happen! ;^)
Happy and safe travels from all of us here at the shack!
"I envision a dead show were everyone looks, acts, and thinks just like me, and I feel comfortable and non-threatened." ...a very self-conscious person (anonymous), circa 1993
Joe Norris
Dead-neck
& well adjusted American :^}